I went into The Old Guard 2 with no expectations and still managed to be disappointed. I even rewatched the first one thinking, “Hey, maybe it’ll pay off.” Haha It didn’t. This sequel feels like a throwaway script that slipped past an unpaid intern at Netflix during a content dump.

Story / Writing – Holy Crap Bad

It’s based on a comic or graphic novel or something, right? You’d think that means there’s some foundation to build on. But this version drops the ball completely. The whole premise of Quỳnh coming back after being tortured for 500 years underwater should’ve been a revenge epic. Instead, she shows up, looks vaguely angry for two scenes, and then joins Andromache to fight against Discord? What happened to that centuries-long rage arc? Where’s the trauma? The payoff? No character building. No tension. Just vibes and exposition until it fades to black and throws up a weak cliffhanger like we’re all supposed to be hyped for Part 3. Spoiler: we’re not.

Acting – Yikes

The script already felt half-baked. The performances didn’t help. Charlize Theron looks like she’s calculating how much she got paid per word. Everyone else seems to be reading cue cards taped just off camera. Emotional scenes land with all the weight of a corporate training video. It’s hard to care about betrayals and immortal angst when you’re too busy noticing who forgot to blink. At no point did it feel like anyone actually wanted to be there.

Originality – Barely There

Yes, it’s an adaptation, so we’re not expecting anything revolutionary. But the only semi-original thread, immortals losing their immortality and getting them back by being “gifted” immortality again, is buried under generic dialogue, uninspired villains, and every action cliché known to mankind. The first movie had at least a few decent action sequences. This one? Fewer fights, more talking, and none of it is worth quoting. It’s like they took all the cool ideas from the first one and quietly deleted them from the group chat.

Vibes – Punishment Disguised as a Movie

The first film had some edge. This one barely has a pulse. It feels like the vibe check was outsourced to someone who last watched an action movie in 2007. The fight choreography is slow, weirdly edited, and shockingly forgettable. By the time the credits rolled, I already couldn’t remember who fought who or why. Watching this movie felt like community service for a crime I didn’t commit.

Impact – Netflix, Please Staaaahp its already dead!

How did this get made? I mean that seriously. Netflix waited three years and decided this was the move? This movie plays like it was greenlit by a very tired AI algorithm. The pacing is off, the acting is tired, and the cliffhanger felt like the cinematic equivalent of a shrug. Do we really need a third? If this is what we’re building toward, I’d rather they cut their losses and ghost the franchise quietly.