K, hear me out... the John Wick-verse is never going to win any acting or storytelling awards. But it doesn’t need to. All I ask is that it surprises me with something, anything I haven’t seen before.

Story/Writing: Average

I mean, John Wick went ham because someone killed his dog..so yeah, if someone kills her dad, I’m expecting nuclear payback. Maybe it was my mindset going in, I just wanted sick fights and chaos, but the story didn’t hit me. Is she some genius assassin? Nah they didn’t make her out to be one, she did it with hard work, but then the rookie somehow takes out an entire cult the Director is scared of.. ON THEIR HOME TURF errrr??? If they established she was THAT good, then that’s fine…but she got absolutely stomped by John Wick and still managed to take out an entire cult that makes up an entire town? If you’re a Wick fan, this’ll scratch the itch. But if you weren’t before? Keep it moving, nothing new for you here.

Acting: Below Average

Look, we all know this universe, nobody is method acting here. This universe runs on body count, not dramatic monologues. I still remember watching clips of previous John Wick movies with a counter with all the kills and ringing like a ticker. This movie is quite the same, but you get a double dip too..the Ballerina slowly getting more efficient and John Wick shows up to do John Wick things. I honestly can’t remember if he was retired, on the Table’s leash, or freelancing for kicks anymore. Everyone else does their best monotone dialogues, so yea par for the course.

Originality: Female Version of John Wick

All I ever ask from a Wick movie is, “Show me something I haven’t seen yet.” And to its credit, Ballerina delivered. We’ve had Continentals in other countries, katana fights, horse chases. This time? FLAMETHROWER WARS!!! WHAT?!?! They even did a kind of bullet tornado (IFKYK) and hit us with a flamethrower tornado. They didn’t reinvent the wheel, but they sure lit it on fire. I was into it.

Vibes: Very Good

The movie clearly understood its mission, it caught the John Wick vibes perfectly. It had all the chaos and revenge plot and plus who doesn’t like a little stylish violence in a quiet little town in the mountains in the snow. I also liked how they didn’t plunge into the femme fatale genre and make her use her sexuality and elegance to seduce a target.

Impact: Like Your Friendly Neighborhood John Wick Movie

I didn’t show up for plot, I came for vibes and violence, and that’s exactly what I got. Ana de Armas isn’t winning an Oscar for this, but she brought something fresh to the table. Ballerina gave us flamethrowers, cults, and violence with a beautiful landscape. Was it life-changing? Nah. Was it a good time? Abso-fricking-lutely